I cannot tell you how many times in my life that I have felt like I was not "enough." Not good enough for whoever I was seeing romantically. Not smart enough to keep up with the so called "intellectuals" I would meet and the unnecessarily big word they just had to use. Not pretty enough to be noticed or to keep that romantic partner from looking somewhere else for "the perfect woman." News flash! They do not exist. Or at least not outside of the Disney Universe! Even at work sometimes I would think about all the things I hadn't got to in a day and after putting in 2 hours of overtime, I'd still feel like I wasn't enough.
I can't say the exact date or time that I began to see things differently, but I can say that no matter what your inner monologue is telling you...You Are Enough! Easy for me to say, right? I am on the outside looking in at others’ lives. Also, why should you believe me? Well, because you can trust me. I won't lie to you or lead you on. I won't always tell you what you want to hear and in fact, I will probably be way too blunt sometimes. (At least according to my close friends and family) So, how does one exactly start to feel like they are enough? I think it goes something like this, though the order may be a bit scrambled.:
1. Realize that NO ONE is perfect. Not your mom. Not your husband. Not your BFF or colleagues. Give yourself the gift of realizing that perfect is boring. I sure as hell do not want to hang out with the supposed “perfect people”. In fact, the people that we should want to be around are the ones who love us as we are. You know, the old friend who knows you so well that they ignore the fact that you always take the last cookie. Or the great guy you like, who notices you have stepped on a piece of TP, dragged it all the way through the office and laughs with you (not at you) when you hurriedly remove it.
**I would like to point out that if we do not allow people to truly know us, then we are the ones who are under valuing what we have to offer this world. That’s on you. **
2. Cull out the people in your life who don’t see you as their equal or let you feel like you are less than. I’m not saying that we should all quit our jobs because our boss doesn’t seem to understand us. Nor am I suggesting we abandon our families because they don't "get us." Unless, they are in fact a constant source of pain. If they are hurting you and you have tried repeatedly to teach them how to treat you and they have not adjusted their behaviour, you have every right to distance yourself from them. What I am saying is, if someone is trying to make you feel not good enough in your personal and day-to-day life, you have the right to remove them from your social circle. It’s not being a snob. It’s not being judgemental. It is taking care of the most important thing…you and your self-worth.
3. Start to look around at the people you respect and admire and try modeling their behaviours. What is it that you see in them that makes you want to be like them? Why do you think they are wonderful? How do you feel when you are with them? For myself, I am attracted to strong, outspoken, confident women and men as my friends. I cannot help but want to be friends with people who may not be the flashiest person, but they are the ones who laugh loudly and think before speaking. I recognize that not everyone is as outgoing as I am and perhaps has qualms about walking up to someone they admire to ask if they can be friends. (Yes, I have in fact done this a few times) What I would suggest, is observing at first and when you have the chance, paying one compliment to that person. Just enough to express you admire them, but not so much that they question whether they should hire a bodyguard for future outings. Then see what happens next.
4. Be open to new ideas, new friends, new experiences and the evolution of a new you. What is life if not a constantly evolving mosaic of our experiences and the paths we have chosen? Nothing says we cannot take a different route to arrive at the same destination. It does matter though, where it is that we are trying to get to. Hopefully, you have an idea or vision of what you want your life to be. If success to you is having a wife, 2 kids and $2 million in the bank, then own it. For me success looks more like a close unit of people, family and friends who I can talk to and make memories with. Sure, I would love to be married, have a kid or two, live a comfortable life and never have to feel like I am missing out on something, but I also recognize some things are out of my control.
5. Recognize what is in and outside of your control. So often we can make excuses for someone else’s behaviour or give them more credit than they do themselves. So, why do we see the good in others, but not see it in ourselves? We have control over the narrative. We can decide to start seeing ourselves as others see us. Think about someone you love. Someone who you know without a doubt loves you. Now, imagine what they would tell you if they knew about all the self-doubt and feelings of not being worthy or enough. I can almost guarantee that if they knew how you really felt, they would make sure that you question that narrative. They would tell you that you are far beyond "enough" in their eyes. Deciding to let someone see you, even broken you is all within your control. In the end, we decide who to allow in. We decide how to let them see us and in turn how we allow them to integrate into our lives. No one makes you feel unworthy, you allow whatever forces are out there to plant that seed of doubt. And you also can choose to dig up that seed and toss it right back at that person. I really hope you do.
I do not claim to be a therapist or some sort of expert on anything. I can only speak to what I have had to realize and accept in my own life for me to get closer to the goal of peace and happiness. That’s my goal. Sure, that family of my own, 2MM in the bank and an easier life sounds great. Except, I have limited control over the when and how. For now, all I can do is make sure that if and when the things I value most in life are provided by the universe, that I am ready and open….and that I know I am enough.
Much Love
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