Today I want to explore the topic of Forgiveness.
So many times in our lives we are told to "turn the other cheek". or to "move on" from whatever has happened in our lives that has caused us trauma before we have even been able to examine what has happened. I completely agree that forgiveness is a necessary principle we need to apply in our lives. We cannot forgive anyone, especially ourselves, if we do not first see what has brought us to this place.
When I think about forgiveness, my first memories of trying to wrap my head around this concept have to do with religion and specifically repentance. For those of you who have some sort of religious background, you will be all too familiar with this concept.
"Repentance is reviewing one's actions and feeling contrition or regret for past wrongs, which is accompanied by commitment to and actual actions that show and prove a change for the better."
I remember sitting in Sunday school around the age of 7 or 8 and thinking about what horrible things I had done so far in my life that would cause me to need to ask forgiveness of someone else. Yes, I had slammed my older brothers head in the door once after I had annoyed him so much that he ended up chasing me into the house and the front door decided to swing back, trapping his head in its steely grasp. I did say the "h-word" once and take the Lords name in vain. Were all of these things going to have to be confessed to someone? Someone was going to know all my dirty secrets?! Ahhhh...the horror!
This is when I learned about asking for forgiveness. I was taught the usual "steps."
You know...
#1 - Recognize your mistake.
#2 - Feel horrible and cry. **Crying adds to the drama of it all**
#3 - Ask whoever you hurt for forgiveness. Be sincere.
#4 - Skip away happily as if nothing happend.
That is how its supposed to work, right?!
It wasn't until my pre-teen to teen years that forgiveness really "clicked" for me as not just the words I said, but the need to actually want to be forgiven of things I had done and the necessity to forgive others.
Anyone who knew me as a young child would probably say I was outgoing, friendly, loud, constantly moving and always singing. (Thanks Dad for that!) I remember being a happy child. I loved my family and knew I was loved. I had a few neighbourhood friends and was okay at school....and then grade 5 happened.
I didn't know what happened. Overnight, I went from the happy go lucky girl to wanting to just be left alone. I had gone from little girl to young woman in a flash and this is the time in my life when I began go be bullied. And when I say bullied, I mean BULLIED! Every day was a living hell for me in my mind.
If I said anything in class, someone would snicker or make fun. On the playground I had no-one to play with and was often attacked physically. Any time I entered the room someone would start barking like a dog, because I was "dog-ugly" according to them. (Which btw is absolutely ridiculous as I have not come across a dog that I haven't loved. Assholes!) Taking the school bus home everyday was a game of "who's the least likely to spit on me."
I came home every day and went straight to my room and to the back of my closet. There I was safe. There I could replay all the horrible things that I felt and heard about myself. This is also the place where my littlest brother would crawl in, sit himself on my lap and hold me as I cried. He was no more than 4 or 5 years old and he would sit silently as I mourned the loss of my childhood and came to realize the cruelty that the world could dish out. He saved me, but that is another story for another time.
While I was going through all of this, my parents, and grandparents and aunts and uncles and.... everyone kept telling me to ignore it. To forgive the cruel kids, especially the instigator, who just so happened to be a member of the congregation I attended and I not only had to see her at school, but at church too. And it is at this time that I started to understand forgiveness.
I distinctly remember sitting and talking to my Dad one night about everything that was going on and his words of advice. (I am paraphrasing)
"Do you believe what they are saying? Do you feel you deserve any of it? Of course not! Of course you don't believe it. So, why are you letting it determine how you feel about yourself. That's not yours to carry. That is theirs to carry. It is not fair, nor is it okay, but it also not your fault. What you are going to have to do is figure out how to forgive."
I remember thinking, "Why the hell would I be the one to have to offer forgiveness? These people have not asked for it. It's not right!"
That is true, but it is also true that I needed to forgive these people so I could move on with my life. To rekindle that fire and joy I had in my childhood. To be able to experience life and find laughter and love. To find like minded people who saw me as I am and accepted me, faults and all.
So, I decided to forgive them. To forgive her, the instigator. And it is a relief. Now, having said that, I have to acknowledge that I have obviously not forgotten. No way will I forget that time, but I also try not to let it define who I am or effect my whole live.
If I have learned anything from that time, it is that it made me more empathetic and kind. When I see something wrong, I say something. (Much to my families horror at times) If I disagree I tend to speak up. And when I have hurt someone, I always try to make amends somehow.
Forgiveness is a must. Forgetting is not. I try to remember this principle so that history does not repeat itself and I share this story in the hopes that someone knows they are not alone. I could go on and maybe in the future I will, but for today I have said enough.
Much Love.
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