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Happily, Perfectly Me.

Do you ever feel like you are a step behind? You have all these great intentions, such as writing in your journal or running that marathon and then you just don’t end up doing it? That seems to happen to me far more often than I care to admit these days. Of course, there is always a very plausible excuse. No time. Lack of energy after a long day of work. I’m almost certain we all have our “go to” excuses for not accomplishing all that we want to.

Well, just in case you haven’t heard it lately, that is perfectly okay. Very rarely do all plans go smoothly. You are doing the best you can. We all are. Can we improve and get better?! Yes, and we will. Sometimes we just need a day, or a week, or even a year to get there. At least for me that seems to be a recurring theme. I’ve begun to realize that all my grand plans will happen, just perhaps not on the exact timeline that I thought they would.

Growing up I always thought that there was a specific order to which all things had to happen.

  • Grow up

  • Go to school

  • Get a job

  • Fall in love a few times.

  • Fall in love for the last time.

  • Get married.

  • Have a couple babies.

  • Live happily ever after....

  • The End

That’s how it was all supposed to happen. I have always been a bit of a hopeless romantic. A dreamer of sorts. And of course, none of my dreams were ever small. If you are going to do something, you better do it big. Then when the big dream didn’t happen just when I imagined it should, I would crash and burn. I would think that I must be deficient. Unworthy of whatever it was that I felt should be mine. What I deserved.

Deserve. It is a word often used, but rarely understood. It can mean, to be worthy of, fit, or suitable for some reward or requital. For me, I always thought I deserved all the things I wanted in life because I am a good person. I am honest and kind. I don’t have many complaints and I am friendly to all I meet. So, shouldn’t life and all its good things come easily to me?

Yeah, that’s not really how it works. I’m not saying that I am unworthy of love or that I am incapable of receiving it when it is presented, but I also wasn’t thinking of it as I should have. It is a gift and not a reward. And on the flip side, I do not deserve to be mistreated. Not by others, and especially not by myself. Yet, when I am worn down and tired, when I have little left to give, that is when I am prone to wallow. “Why me? Why not me? What makes that person worthier?” And so on....

In those moments it can be hard to see anything other than your loss. Your pain and your disappointment. But we cannot let that be our story. The truth is, that no one ever has it easy. No one ever gets everything they want. We have no idea what someone else has had to do or sacrifice for their supposed happy endings. One person's path is not going to be ours and why should it be? Sometimes I forget that the free will that I have been granted, has also given me the opportunity to take whatever path I want to choose to get to that destination. Whether it is a straight line or in my case a labyrinth of experiences and doors opened and closed.

I guess what I am trying to say is that you are not alone. You matter to someone and without you, life would never be the same. I hope the people in my life know this. That they are loved and cherished by me. That when we are together, they are cherished. And when they are gone, I miss them.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving here in Canada, as well as World Mental Health Day. I think the two go hand in hand for me this year.

I am thankful that I live in a time where speaking about our mental health is more prevalent than ever before. That I have access to so many great resources for help in supplying support for my own life's journey. I am so thankful for the family I have been born into. I have never known loneliness to the extent that many people do. I have known that I was wanted and loved. I am thankful for the friends I have had in my life. Each has taught me a lesson, and all have meant something to me. I am thankful to have been given the opportunity to live my life on my terms and to have found like-minded people. I am thankful for access to healthcare for all my physical, emotional and spiritual ailments.

Although my life has not taken the exact order and timeline, I once thought it was destined to take, I am grateful that I am alive. That I can change and improve and make plans for my future. I still dream of all of those things, but I also accept that some of those dreams have been manifest in a unique and different way than initially thought. I have a home full of love. I have little ones running around, they just happen to be very furry and of the canine variety. I have fallen in love a few times and have learned a great deal about myself. And ultimately, I know that I decide my happy ending...but hopefully that ending is many, many moons down the road.

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